I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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