I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
