I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
