He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
