Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
