just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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