If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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