does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You ever have a fart follow you around?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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