last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
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