I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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