"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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