no, he came in my armpit
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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