there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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