If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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