I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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