I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
