My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
