I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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