I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
