Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
