I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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