between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize