what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
