You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
