my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
