yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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