I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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