but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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