idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
