Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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