i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
