his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
