I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize