umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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