did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
