Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
