So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
