goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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