I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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