I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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