If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Randomize
