low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
