quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
this just has baby written all over it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
