just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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