i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
