just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
