remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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