two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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