I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
