The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
