Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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