He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
