I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
