I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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