I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
