The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
