Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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