never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
