I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
