dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
