it's too hot outside to masturbate.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
