Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
