He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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